Finally I got to see Cory again today! Oh how I’ve missed him! Seeing my husband only once a week really makes me go crazy. The only thing that can bring me down though is when I’m leaving Little Rock… I feel so exhilarated to go see my husband, but then I feel my heart ripping in two knowing that I’m leaving my son.
I finally received a call today from Colton’s social worker, I will have to wait five days before I can reapply to have a room at the Ronald McDonald house. This means I’m going to have to stay home as I know my mother in law would watch my two older children, but with Hunter being a wild child I don’t want to put that stress on her for so long. A day or two isn’t so bad but a whole five days would be mean to her, the children, and me. I also don’t want to be there by myself…I’m a scaredy cat I guess I should say. I want to be with him but I’m too scared to be by myself for so long.
But there’s some good news and bad news besides this. Colton is looking a lot better today. His repogle drain is clearing up, today it’s clear, with a bit of secretions, and a small amount of blood. And his abdominal drain for his liver surgery is also looking good as well. They’re weaning him off the ventilator very slowly but this is because of the cold he contacted as well as the ammonia he somehow got. Yes, so now he’s even more sicker, but like I said before he is looking a lot better. He was sleeping very peacefully when I left.
And then the cutest thing happened, I was talking to him which I do a lot right now as I can’t hold him because of the vent. And I started to talk to him about his daddy finally coming to see him this weekend, he opened his eyes! It was so freaking adorable! I swear he’s already a daddy’s boy!
So please still keep my baby boy in your thoughts and prayers he still needs them so much right now especially with having to deal with being sick and trying to heal from his liver surgery.
Colton is back on the ventilator and not doing so well… His cold is getting worse and he was pulling on his tubes so much today that he started bleeding somewhere. I am an emotional wreck as I just want to be able to hold him. It’s been a week now. They keep telling me not to touch him to much as it makes him fuss. But I can clearly see that I calm him down better than the nurse. I think she’s just snippety and has an attitude. I have liked most of Colton’s nurses but definitely not this one and now anytime I see him I have to be in a gown, wear a mask and gloves…so now just to touch him I really can’t…I feel like I’m not a true mother in a way…that the nurses are…I know that this isn’t true but it is how I feel…
I wish that I could be there 24/7 for Colton but I know it’s not healthy for me or my other two children. I hate that i cant have him by myself all day. These are all my guilt ridden fears. That maybe if I had done something differently he wouldn’t have these problems. But I know that it wasn’t my fault, that I didn’t do anything wrong.
I just don’t know how to handle my emotions anymore. Every time I go to his bedside and see all of the tubes and hoses…..I break down and start sobbing.
Recently I even asked a question on a well known site called BabyCenter. I was pretty much accused of playing the “how long I’ve been in the NICU” game. I want to say that no, I wish I’d never become a NICU parent. But I am now, and I truly have no clue how long we will be here…I wish I could say a few days but alas no. It looks like we may be here for months….
Today has been one of the best days since we’ve been down here in Little Rock. Last night we took the kids to see the fireworks at the Riverfest festival and they LOVED it! And then today we received great news for Colton they’re thinking of taking him off the ventilator! His stomach drain is looking better its a clear yellow now instead of mixed with blood. His repogle is looking better as well but still filled with darkish green (snot looking?) fluid. His color is a lot better as well. But I really hope he does well off the ventilator today. Then when we finally got back to the Ronald McDonald house the Corvette show was here! So yes Hunter had a lot of fun looking at all of the really sweet looking cars. 🙂 Here’s a highlight of the fireworks we saw last night and Hunter flexing his muscles for the ladies. 😉
My wonderful friend and also my sister of my heart set this up for Colton. http://www.gofundme.com/prayersforcolton
I will not lie, it has been very stressful on our finances staying here in little rock. But it’s been easier with the help of caring and generous people of pea ridge and Garfield. We haven’t had to borrow any money since our second week down here. But if anyone wants to help out besides praying every cent is appreciated. Keeping the kids happy is really hard but going to Ihop once a week and stalking the parks here have helped. And thank goodness there are more than one park here. We are also looking for a free water park for the kids if anyone knows anything please let me know.
The photo on the left is Monday night before I went back home for the kids appointments. We live over 200 miles away so we have to stay home for a couple nights which is great in a way because I can see my husband, whom I’ve only seen 4 times in the past month. The photo on the right is from yesterday morning when I finally saw him the first time after his surgery. I just see how much we’ve literally back tracked and it just tears my heart to pieces.
Today wasnt such a great day for me. When I walk in and see all of the tubes and hoses coming it of his body. And they could only keep an iv in his head..so it’s been a very difficult day. I can’t help but feel its all my fault or that there should be some way for me to take all his pain away. That there should be some way for me to at least bare all of his hurt. I hate seeing him so uncomfortable from the vent down his throat. Or the tube coming directly out of his stomach. It makes me feel like I didn’t do something right to make him go through this much pain and surgeries.
But Hunter and Cheyenne make it all worth it. Anytime they see me with a red face they give me the sweetest hugs and kisses. Hunter always tells me that it’ll all be ok “cause Colton will come home soon, Mommy.”
So now it’s the wait and see time…see how long it’ll take for him to recover. Then how long it will take for him to complete his check list. And so far that includes eating from breast/bottle, no apnea or bradycardia, maintaining his own heat, and gaining weight regularly. They’ll probably add more as we go on. But I just want to go home for good. It’s getting harder each time we leave Cory. The kids start crying before I even tell them to get ready. . .
I just hope that these memories will be sooner than later. The ones that people tell me we’ll think of the NICU. I know that there is a couple babies here at have been here for a very long time. And I feel their patents pain. But it hurts even worse seeing all of the healthy babies leaving every week knowing I will be here even longer.
So now I’m just going to sit here and cuddle with my daughter and son and watch Sid, The Science Kid
The past couple days have been very enlightening for me. I have learned that yes, there are very kind and caring people in this world. And that yes, there are still plenty of despicable people as well. I am so grateful for living in this part of the world where most people have a heart of gold and that they genuinely care about others.
My mother set up a donation jar at the bus stop where she works and people have been so kind with their spare change. And at Marvin’s in Pea Ridge they also had a jar up. These generous and kind people have helped us enough that I’ve been able to fill my car up a few times in the past month. I also have been able to buy the kids breakfast a few times as well. The past couple times that I have went to collect the money I about broke down and cried because of their generosity. I won’t lie, it’s been very rough these past few weeks. But with our towns help we haven’t had to borrow any more money to just simply put it, live.
My dad, aunt, and grandma have also helped out tremendously. And I’ve thanked them all and will continue to thank them each time I can.
A good friend of mine also set up a donation fund for me which did make me cry as we’ve never even met in person. We’ve known each ore for over a year and she’s the most wonderful person I’ve ever met. We’re sisters even though we are not blood nor have we ever met on person. But we are sisters of the heart and I love her so much. Angelica I want to thank you here as well!
So now every time I go out I always will remember that whoever I meet could’ve possibly put their change in Colton’s jar to help us see Cory and to make it easier on the kids. This gives me a new light on life, an epiphany. I know that there are still bad people out there, and I know quite a few personally. But I also know that there is an enormous amount of good people out there and they outweigh the bad.
So this is just me saying thank you. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for the most important thing of all prayers and good wishes, and lastly the donations, even though these are important the prayers are way more important to me.