I came home for a couple days, for doctors appointments and chores. It’s so hard to explain the pain that rips through me when I go home. But if I don’t then I become so emotionally worked up that I can barely make it through the day with bawling my eyes out. And being home with my husband even if its only a couple days, makes me feel so relaxed in a way. I’m trying to remember that I need to heal myself. It’s been so hard trying to grieve for what I’ve been going through. I just keep tucking away the depressed thoughts. The only time anyone can see my pain is when I see someone coming down the hallway with a carseat in their hands and a big smile on their faces. . . That’s when I start, the nurses have even kept a box of tissues under Colton’s bed.
But even though I’m going through a lot, I still love all of my children whole heatedly. I can barely stand myself leaving him, but I’m so glad he’s at least in a place that I won’t have to worry….as much. Tomorrow I have my post partum check up and I hope everything is ok. (And yes…I’m getting fixed within the year if I can afford the procedure.) Already these days I have come to appreciate my children so much more and I’ve learned to not take them for granted….you can never know what may happen.