It’s all Worth It

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Today wasnt such a great day for me. When I walk in and see all of the tubes and hoses coming it of his body. And they could only keep an iv in his head..so it’s been a very difficult day. I can’t help but feel its all my fault or that there should be some way for me to take all his pain away. That there should be some way for me to at least bare all of his hurt. I hate seeing him so uncomfortable from the vent down his throat. Or the tube coming directly out of his stomach. It makes me feel like I didn’t do something right to make him go through this much pain and surgeries.

But Hunter and Cheyenne make it all worth it. Anytime they see me with a red face they give me the sweetest hugs and kisses. Hunter always tells me that it’ll all be ok “cause Colton will come home soon, Mommy.”

So now it’s the wait and see time…see how long it’ll take for him to recover. Then how long it will take for him to complete his check list. And so far that includes eating from breast/bottle, no apnea or bradycardia, maintaining his own heat, and gaining weight regularly. They’ll probably add more as we go on. But I just want to go home for good. It’s getting harder each time we leave Cory. The kids start crying before I even tell them to get ready. . .

I just hope that these memories will be sooner than later. The ones that people tell me we’ll think of the NICU. I know that there is a couple babies here at have been here for a very long time. And I feel their patents pain. But it hurts even worse seeing all of the healthy babies leaving every week knowing I will be here even longer.

So now I’m just going to sit here and cuddle with my daughter and son and watch Sid, The Science Kid

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