Colton is back on the ventilator and not doing so well… His cold is getting worse and he was pulling on his tubes so much today that he started bleeding somewhere. I am an emotional wreck as I just want to be able to hold him. It’s been a week now. They keep telling me not to touch him to much as it makes him fuss. But I can clearly see that I calm him down better than the nurse. I think she’s just snippety and has an attitude. I have liked most of Colton’s nurses but definitely not this one and now anytime I see him I have to be in a gown, wear a mask and gloves…so now just to touch him I really can’t…I feel like I’m not a true mother in a way…that the nurses are…I know that this isn’t true but it is how I feel…
I wish that I could be there 24/7 for Colton but I know it’s not healthy for me or my other two children. I hate that i cant have him by myself all day. These are all my guilt ridden fears. That maybe if I had done something differently he wouldn’t have these problems. But I know that it wasn’t my fault, that I didn’t do anything wrong.
I just don’t know how to handle my emotions anymore. Every time I go to his bedside and see all of the tubes and hoses…..I break down and start sobbing.
Recently I even asked a question on a well known site called BabyCenter. I was pretty much accused of playing the “how long I’ve been in the NICU” game. I want to say that no, I wish I’d never become a NICU parent. But I am now, and I truly have no clue how long we will be here…I wish I could say a few days but alas no. It looks like we may be here for months….