Wishes, dreams and prayers…

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I thought that when we finally brought Colton home, that everything would be fine. Oh how I was wrong, completely wrong. Besides the doctors the ridiculous amount of doctors visits, many are in little rock over 200 miles away, I am so scared that something may happen. When he was in ACH I hated that he was so far away but I was happy knowing that there was a team of doctors there to help him if the need arose. And now that we have to make car payments it’s harder than ever to make it through the week.

The worst part is not knowing how Colton will be years down the road. Will he ever get out of diapers? Will he be able to ride a bike? Run? Heck just even walk? Will he be able to talk? Or give someone his first kiss? Job? Marriage? Kids? I know, I know…he’s only 10 weeks old but these thoughts are starting to kill me. I feel like me and Cory will never have alone time, as no one would want to babysit 3 kids, and heck we can’t afford me either…

I know that there’s other parents that have kids with worse disabilities but I just never thought I’d be that parent. I had this dream of what our life would be like. That another 20 years down the line Cory and I could finally relax and maybe start to enjoy being a grandparent or go explore… But maybe now that will never happen…

I know that I’m depressed I can see the signs, but don’t have insurance and my two youngest need their mamas milk. Also I can’t afford to formula feed. So I guess. Will just try and bare it, just try and ignore it even if some days I’d rather just walk away. I just wish that this was all a dream and I could pinch myself awake.

I love my kids so much it hurts, I would do anything for them! I guess I can pray and dream that Colton will be able to live a normal life, right!?

For those that don’t know already, Colton was born with alot of problems…hydrocephalus is one of them. He has had surgery to correct his duodenal atresia and biliary atresia, now the doctors want to shunt him….we will see how this goes on his next neurosurgery appointment. Heck he may surprise us all and not need it? I hope so but I know now not to get my hopes up…

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